Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
👾👾👾
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
3% human
97% stress
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]