Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.