Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I鈥檒l get my greens from the ice cream
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I鈥檇 have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I鈥檇 never need to floss
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we鈥檙e going to Applebee鈥檚
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they鈥檙e reading to their kid.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Best seat on the street 馃槏
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Kids today don鈥檛 know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space