therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
You Might Also Like
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!