*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
felt that
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
broke down and did it
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word