they finally got him. they got macavity
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
The news in a nutshell.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.