5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Monday
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶