Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
hi why am I like this
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.