GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick