who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.