When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
every single time
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”