Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants