gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
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Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.