Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign