SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
why would tinder want me to say this
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Can. I. Help. You.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “