“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Truth
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to