[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?