[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
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I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.