Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Planet of the Apps.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
This is a sub tweet
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?