“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Oops I deleted….
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool