Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
i dont have time for this
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is