[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.