History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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Ain’t no way
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.