Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When someone says you are so lazy
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.