Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.