Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT