“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.