Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Probably my best painting.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!