If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
the council will decide your fate
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.