OKAY DAD
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep