What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?