My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
So creative 😂
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Happy Febuary everyone!