Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
You Might Also Like
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it