Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Is….Is this an option?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.