I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in