Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
just pretend nothing happened
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.