This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
S M O L
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT