[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope