I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
They’re the worst 😩
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Is this you?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.