I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
They grow up so quick