I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
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A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.