Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.