If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
🍞🦆
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout