CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
bugs when you lift up a rock
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
dutch is not a serious language
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Breaking news:
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer