How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible