Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
You deplete me
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.