My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know