I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Best spot.. 😅
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Cats (2019)
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened