If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.