Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Get in loser we’re going crying
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?